01
divorce lawyers reveal
divorce is mostly not due to infidelity
not long ago, I saw the sharing of a lawyer who had experienced hundreds of marriage cases.
she says that now the most common reasons for divorce are not cheating or being poor.
but
not suitable
.
some travel abroad, one side is not accustomed to the other's extravagance, the consumption view is different, leave.
some people want to change each other's bad habits, but find that they can't change them, and their living habits are different.
the woman wants to work hard and doesn't want to have children prematurely, while the man doesn't want to.
.
the lawyer said that after working on marriage cases for many years, she could really do
almost none of them have the same ideas about each other's living habits and other aspects.
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it turns out that the so-called "hit it off" is just being blinded by each other's halo when they are passionately in love. When they are faced with firewood, rice, oil and salt after marriage, they find that the other person is only ordinary and full of shortcomings.
how to solve the dilemma of marriage?
how to fall in love without breaking up in a marriage?
Today, let's learn how to avoid the marriage minefield and let the relationship become the nourishment of life.
02
the so-called disagreement
it is likely that your capacity is too small
what is capacity?
Let me say one word first, "
put it down
". What do you mean put it down? Put it down. It doesn't mean I have something in my hand. Put it down. It doesn't mean that.
what do you mean put it down? To put it down, first of all, you have to
"fit"
.
it means that your space is big enough. For example, your home is big enough, with 200 square meters. Isn't it easy for three or four people to live there? I wonder if there is room for 100 people. Will you feel comfortable with 100 people in there?
so the room is not big enough to hold enough people, and that's the same thing,
if your heart is not big enough, then you can't let go of your partner.
so to really put it down, it doesn't mean that you have to be the same as you, but that there is room for something different from you.
it's like a couple eating together, one likes spicy food and the other can't eat spicy food. It's OK to accept each other's differences.
but in reality, our conflicts often come from
"how can you eat spicy food? It's going to be hot. I did it for your own good. Hey, why don't you listen? it seems that the three values are different. You and I don't have to integrate "
.
especially in intimate relationships, there are too many things that require your partner to agree with you, from small things such as taking a bath and changing clothes to money, outlook on life and universe, and everything may ignite a quarrel.
so the so-called fit is
broaden the capacity of your thoughts
, if your mind is big enough, whether everything of the other person is in your world, such a couple, such a marriage can become better. Of course, if both people are willing to grow up, their world will become more.
this is a truth in marriage. If you want marriage to be more harmonious, we have to
plant a new seed
:
Love doesn't want the other person to be like you, but to accept the other person, accept him as he is, and support the other person for a better life.
Please remember one sentence:
if you don't allow a person to have advantages,
then his advantages will disappear;
you don't allow him to have shortcomings,
then his advantages will disappear.
of course, the three values mentioned above do not involve issues of general principle
, some inconsistencies in the three values can not be tolerated, such as betrayal, breaking the law, betraying friends, and so on. That is another topic.
03
magnification capacity:
should we tolerate each other's bad habits?
some readers may ask:
"if our partner has some bad habits, should we also tolerate him and change him?"
of course it should be changed, but the question is, how can it be changed?
Let's take a look at the consequences of general changes, if your partner smokes and you don't like smoking. We all know that smoking is harmful to health, which is a habit that should be changed.
but if your partner smokes, you get angry, and then blame him and complain with emotion. No matter how you fight against this behavior, the result is the same, that is, you are unhappy and your partner is unhappy. When everyone is unhappy, will your partner change? It's hard.
you want your partner to smoke less out of love, for his own good, and to keep him healthy for a few more years. This initial intention is right, but it does not bring happiness and happiness to your marriage.
on the contrary, have you ever thought that when you keep arguing with your partner, he can live a few more years?
confrontation doesn't make a real difference, so the more you fight, the more persistent he will be, and the more unhappy the marriage will be. What causes it?
you will understand by changing your position and feeling it.
if someone wants to change some of your behavior, are you willing to be changed by others? The more others want toChange you, the more stubborn you are, isn't it right?
because you are desperately trying to prove that you are right
, this is the law of human nature.
04
how to really change another person
so how can it really change and make the marriage better?
accept
is the premise of change.
when you want the other person to change, you have no doubt assumed that the other person is wrong, and no one is willing to admit that he is wrong.
so, when you want to change him, he can only stick to his original behavior more stubbornly in order to prove himself right, which is
change the paradox
.
but acceptance is different,
acceptance is in your world, first give permission to this behavior, first put the other person in the right place, and then ask the other person to do better.
when a person is accepted, that is to say, when some of his actions are put in the "right" position, he is certainly willing to change for the better.
take smoking as an example, if you can accept smoking first, you may be able to express it this way (in your own words, of course):
"Honey, I know smoking is a good way to reduce stress, but smoking is bad for your health. I can't smell it. Besides, the smell of smoke in your mouth will make me afraid to get close to you. Can you smoke less? "
if the other person really loves you, is it much easier to accept to hear that? of course, he may not be able to quit at once, but at least he will be willing to reduce smoking, and at the same time, the relationship between the two parties will become closer, right?
there is another common form of confrontation in relationships, which is
Silence
. On the face of it, silence does not seem to be a big problem, but in fact, it is also one of the "culprits" that stifle sexual relations.
05
how to deal with your partner's silence
what should we do in the face of our partner's silence?
most people will ask questions and quarrels to seek each other's response, such as saying to a silent partner:
"Why don't you always talk? Are you a mute? "
however, the more you question, the more you want to talk to each other, the less they want to talk to you, and the more time you have to be silent.
however, if you can give him permission to not speak for a period of time, give him a space to be alone, people always have to talk, and when he wants to talk, he will naturally talk to you.
Psychological research shows that men spit out an average of 2000 words a day to make him feel comfortable.
Women will be a little more, and they have to say 7000 words a day to be comfortable.
if your husband still has 1000 words to say one day, he will naturally talk to you. He can't sleep if he doesn't say it.
but if you try to pry open his mouth and let him talk, he doesn't want to say a word. When you understand this, you won't force him to talk to you when he doesn't want to talk.
so, to accept is to make your heart bigger, so that you can tolerate the other person's way of speaking, opinions, emotions and behaviors that are different from your own.
second instance: Li Jin
third instance: Zhao Haixu
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