After Grandpa died, I found his love and regret in 12 calendars.
After Grandpa died, I found his love and regret in 12 calendars.


Love and regret are intertwined

when I was young, I saw Grandpa take a pen and write notes on the calendar. When Grandpa was alive, the calendar was always on his desk, and I didn't pay much attention to it, or wanted to see what he wrote. On the contrary, after the person is gone, he seems to be looking for a window to miss, and the calendar that just appears becomes this window.

Grandpa died in 2015, nearly eight years after he left us. Before the Spring Festival this year, Grandma died in her sleep and quietly did not disturb us to find our grandfather. When sorting out grandma's belongings, in the depths of the cupboard, there was a big bag that had never been touched before. There were more than a dozen grandpa's calendars in it, and my father put them all on the table. I also flipped through it roughly out of curiosity.

the earliest calendar was in 1990, before I was born. The most recent one was in 2014, the year before Grandpa died. The calendars are old and yellow, some are scattered, and many dates are gone in the middle. But this is the place where my grandfather recorded his feelings and feelings before he died, which is very precious to me.

Grandpa will record a lot of daily chores on it. In 1991, he recorded food stamps. "in exchange for grain books, 70.5 kilograms were carried over last year." It was the first time I knew from my grandfather's calendar that they had to pull coal by themselves at that time. For example, one day my grandmother remembered, "Today, I pulled 240 jin of coal with the old man." I would be curious, why pull so much?

Grain books recorded on the calendar

some records shed tears almost unconsciously while watching. One of the records is February 19, 1995. Grandpa wrote on the calendar: "Today is my 64th birthday. My wife and I lived together. We ate a bowl of egg noodles in the morning." It's plain. I have just recovered from a cold. " Another article is December 20, 2006, on which Grandpa wrote, "Today is my wife's birthday. I spent it lightly."

at that time, I felt that I had too deep apologies and regrets to my grandparents. Because when you were young, you probably only saw your family. But as you grow up, you will have your own friends, and you will feel that your world is suddenly bigger, and you may no longer focus on them. In fact, it will be ignored more or less, and less and less time will be given to them. If I spent more of my time playing and socializing with them, I might not have so much regret and sadness now.

Records written by Grandpa on his 64th birthday

I posted these records on the social platform, and a small number of netizens criticized us at the bottom, saying they didn't remember the old man's birthday. But I have also explained that our family has never had the habit of celebrating birthdays, including my birthday, my parents' birthday, we did not say that we would get together to celebrate, this concept is relatively weak. What's more, more than 20 years ago, parents also wanted to strive more to make the family better.

but after I showed my grandfather's record to the elders of my family, everyone regretted it because they were really negligent in their feelings. They did not understand that the older the elderly, the more they would like to have a lively birthday and enjoy being reunited with their children.

Grandpa never expressed his thoughts directly to us, or said he wanted us to go home. He is the kind of Chinese father, very introverted, not very able to express his feelings directly. Including he may also think from the perspective of children and grandchildren, will feel that children have their own families, jobs and pressure, always try not to cause trouble to everyone. For example, every time I call him, maybe in the end, Grandpa will first say, "I won't delay your study, and then let me hang up quickly."

in fact, many of his thoughts are traceable. Every year during the Spring Festival, a large family goes back. I can especially feel that my grandfather is very happy in the Spring Festival. He likes his children and grandchildren to come back and get together. A few days before he went home, he would keep asking us when we would be back. Then on the day he went home, because he was not sure what time he would arrive, he would wander around the gate and wait for our car to come back. I remember a very deep time, we are almost home, he walked silently in front of the car, is a figure, and then our car followed.

every Spring Festival, Grandpa would put a big piece of red paper on his desk. He would write his own recipes, and he would list every day's recipes from the first day we went back to the day when everyone left.

Wear our simple wedding dresses to achieve your superb look. You'll be pleased with your sophisticated look.

calendar that he didn't say. One year during the Spring Festival, I went back to my grandparents' house first, so New Year's Eve sent a text message to my grandparents that day, and then my grandfather wrote on the calendar, "Hai Ying sent us a message to wish us a happy New year!" Reply: Hai Ying can send us a text message to wish us a happy New year, I am glad! Wish you in the year of the Dog, Wang! Wang! Wang! " I still remember this message, but I didn't think Grandpa would write it down, and just reading the text, I thought he should be very happy that day.

Hai Ying sent a text message for the New year, and Grandpa wrote it down on the calendar.


"ask about Sakura"

my grandparents and I have had a good relationship since childhood. After I was born, my grandmother left my grandfather alone in Xianyang and went to Xi'an to help my parents take me. Grandpa would sometimes call and ask, for example, in 1997, shortly after I was born, he wrote on the calendar, "call Xi'an to ask about the sea cherry"; when I was one year old, he would record, "ask xx when to see the sea cherry". Later, he would often have a record of "calling the sea cherry to ask about the situation." I was very young at that time, only three or four years old, and there was nothing else. He just cared about me very much.

Grandpa will record all the days about me, such as when I come home, or when they come to see me. I also turned to the calendar of 2014, and my college entrance examination results came out.At that time, it was more than 30 points higher than the first line. Grandparents are very happy. They never set particularly high demands on me. They just want me to be in good health. As long as I can go to college, I will be satisfied. At that time, when my score came out, my grandfather recorded my score today on the calendar, and then what was my score in the college entrance examination? he was very happy for me.

seeing these records of my grandfather, I feel very happy and lucky to be born in a loving family. My grandparents gave me the most selfless and unreserved love.

"ask about Sakura"

Grandpa would come here by bus after a month or two when he was a child. I remember that he always had an old brown leather bag under his armpit. Every time he came into the door and saw me, he would immediately open his bag, which would contain a lot of biscuits and snacks, and couldn't wait to stuff the delicious food to me. I always look forward to Grandpa showing up with his purse.

after school, you can only visit your grandparents during winter and summer vacations. You may call them once a week or two to talk about daily chores. But as long as I hear their voices, no matter what I talk about, I will be very happy and share what I think of. They don't preach to me, they just talk to me, so I feel relaxed every time I call them.

I can feel that Grandpa is also looking forward to me calling him and listening to me happily on the other end of the phone. But grandparents don't say much, and they will be a little careful. They may think that my study is more important and worry about whether it will disturb my homework.

he is always nice to me in silence. During the summer vacation when I was promoted to junior high school, one night I went for a walk with my grandparents and passed by a pajamas stall on the street. I took a fancy to a SpongeBob pajamas. But when they asked me if I wanted to buy it, I said no, because I had more pajamas and didn't want to spend the money. When he got home, Grandpa went out again. When he came back, he took the pajamas and gave them to me without saying anything. I think Grandpa just keenly captured my mind.

on another occasion, we went back to see him and didn't tell him in advance, so he didn't know. As soon as we got home, his smile could not be hidden and his expression was very surprised. He immediately got up and went to the nearby market and bought me a roast duck. It was a few months before Grandpa died. He later got a cerebral infarction. During his hospitalization, he was diagnosed with lung cancer, which was advanced.

in addition to the trivia of life, Grandpa will also write some of his own feelings on the calendar and extract poems. His handwriting is very good, and every time I post his record on the social platform, someone will comment on his handwriting. He will record some things about his work on his calendar, such as in 1992, "declare the title of intermediate engineer." The paper is due on the 23rd. " And his hometown, "people from his hometown in the Northeast."

as far as I can remember, from the beginning of my consciousness, I always felt that my grandfather had only one identity, that is, my grandfather, only as a family. Because he had already retired at that time, I didn't have any idea about his working identity.

before he died, I only knew roughly that my grandfather was born in 1931 and came from Liaoning. He loved reading very much when he was young, and his whole mind was very positive, because some people in his family were landlords, and he broke with his family. He only went to high school, but I thought it was great at that time.

on Grandpa's 80th birthday, his family celebrated his birthday, and then my father and uncle made a link to let Grandpa look back on his life and tell the story of his youth. At that time, I knew that my grandparents were in the 1950s. Because of their work, the whole family moved to Shaanxi to support the northwest.

his job is to go to the mountains to do geological exploration and ore prospecting. The working hours of his geological team are not as regular as ours. They may have to stay in the wild for a month, like beekeepers, with pots for eating and sleeping all over their backs, and then a team goes into the mountains and sleeps every day. Grandpa didn't say anything sentimental when he spoke at that time, but we all burst into tears and felt that it was not easy for him to walk through his life. When he retired in 1992, he made a special note on the calendar, "going to Pucheng to go through the retirement formalities."

when he retires, he will not be idle. He will set up a stall in front of the family home, selling drinks, cigarettes, and so on. He was taken away from the car that set up the stall, and he would write it down on his calendar, and sometimes it rained, saying, "it won't rain out of the stall today." His writing is very light, but I feel quite sad after I read it.

when he set up the stall, I looked at the calendar and asked my father. What my father told me was a bit like piecing together more experiences and images of Grandpa through the calendar. I used to feel as if he had always been a cheerful little old man no matter what difficulties or setbacks he faced. When he chatted and met with me, I never felt that he had a lot of trouble. But look at the calendar to know that he also has something to worry about, but he never shows it in front of his children and grandchildren.

Grandpa's picture taken downstairs


see the word like face to face

I haven't completely read Grandpa's calendar at the moment. I'm in a state where I kind of want to see it but don't dare to see it. There is a saying that "seeing a word is like seeing a face". Every time I look at the calendar, I feel as if I can see what Grandpa was doing at that time. When I saw him writing my name "Haiying", I felt that he was really still calling my name, and I wanted to shed tears; when I saw some of the daily trivialities he recorded, it seemed that I could see what he was doing at home now; he recorded very light or sad memories, and I would feel as if I could feel some of his feelings at that time. I communicate with him through the calendar.

every time I look at it, I feel as if he has never leftPassing me, but also lying on his desk to write down some very trivial and approachable, so that you feel that this is also something that happens every day in your life. But Grandpa left only 12 calendars, and that's all. I didn't have any more after I read it.

before I found the calendar, I only saved photos of my grandfather's belongings. There was a picture taken by him and his grandmother, and I bought him the hat he was wearing. Before he died, I would use my pocket money to buy some small things for him and my grandmother every New year. He wears that hat every winter and feels very warm. I also saved the letters written by my grandfather and me. When I was a child, correspondence was still popular. When I was finished, I sent home relatives to bring them to him, and he wrote back to me. In addition, my father gave me a pair of glasses that my grandfather used to wear. They are very retro and have round lenses.

Grandma and grandpa took a group photo. The hat was bought by Hai Sing.

my father and uncle didn't look at the calendar with me. They may still feel guilty about their grandfather, feeling that when it was time for him to enjoy his happiness, he got sick and left, and he didn't take good care of his grandfather. So they have more regrets than I do, so they don't dare to look at them. But in my opinion, they have done their best.

under the influence of my grandfather, I have also bought a calendar on which I will write down my feelings and record some trivial things in my life. I would feel as if I were talking to my grandfather across time and space, because every time I took notes, I thought of my grandfather. He used to sit at his desk in the same way, carefully recording everything in his life. I didn't lose him and my grandmother. I just have to walk this way before I can see each other again.

under the influence of her grandfather, Hai Sing also bought a calendar to record.

in Grandpa's letter to me, the last sentence of the last letter was, "you are our good granddaughter, we will always love you." If I can say goodbye to my grandfather, I want to tell him that I still want to be your granddaughter in my next life.

Grandpa's last letter to Hai Sing

second instance: Li Jin

third instance: Zhao Haixu

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